Banff

So, I'm in Banff. And I like it. But I don't love it. I thought I would love it but I don't. I don't know why I don't though. I should love it. It has everything I need. It's beautiful. It's relaxed. It's small, and I'm a small town girl. But I'm getting bored. Well, I'm not sure if I'm getting bored or if its just my wanderlust acting up again. I do this thing where I dream of a place & I believe I can be happy there. I get there.., excited, I explore.., very cool, I meet new people.., awesome but I can't stay. I can't make myself settle. The grass is always greener somewhere else. I wanted desperately to see winter, now I'm cold & I miss the beach. The warm evening breeze & the pina coladas. It's the freedom, it's an addiction. There is a certain kind of freedom found in the impermanence of life in general but that sense of independence is somehow intensified when I am moving. When I move to a new town, a new country. Suddenly, I'm learning new things, meeting new people, exploring new country side. Its exhilarating, it's like a drug. Not only am I learning about a new place but I have found that every new place, every new friend, every new horizon has taught me something about myself. With every new experience I am irrevocably changed & I love it. How do I give that up? I've tried to picture myself with a 9-5 in the city, a one bedroom & a dog. Reading the paper on Saturday in my slippers & having Sunday brunch with friends. And I just can't seem to make it fit. Not even in my imagination, which is boundless, can I make it feel right.

What if I were meant for something else? What if life didn't have to be a series of organized routines? What if I could stop thinking about what was socially acceptable? What if I lived as if this life were truly mine? What if I could be happy? What if I could have what I want without compromising who I am? What if........

I think it was Nietzshe that said we need to invite chaos into our souls. Well, I didn't invite chaos in, I think it was inborn. Now, I'm just trying to make peace with it. To be in the world but not of it. To find a balance between the demands of my chaotic soul & the needs of my practical mind. Its the Gemini in me I'm sure. The ying & yang of the twins, pulling me in opposite directions. Balance...thats the key.

Banff is good...for now. Until my mood shifts & a new horizon beggons.

To all you wanders reading this. Keep moving...because when we stop, thats when we die. Maybe just alittle at a time, but we die.