DECEMBER 10

What makes a person stop?



Do they just wake up one morning & think, 'this is far enough, I refuse to go any further'?
Is it a conscious choice?
Is there doubt?
My brother Michael died 2 years ago yesterday. Truthfully, he didn't 'die' he killed himself. I haven't talked about him in those years, not even to my family. I try not to even think about him. I think I might hate him. I don't want to, but I think I might. And I have no idea how to make that stop.
Sometimes I dream about him. We're driving in a car, I don't recognize the scenery but it's beautiful. I get out of the car to take a photo of a sea view & when I turn around he has driven off without me. He just drives off & leaves me stranded in this place I don't know.
Sometimes we're in an old house. There are dozens of people around, I stop to admire a painting on the wall & when I turn around he's gone. I catch him going down a spiral stair case. I try to follow him but I can't catch up. The stairs seem to descend forever, there's just no end to them. An old woman tells me not to bother. She tells me I'll never catch him where he's going. Whenever I have this dream I always wake up crying. I had it a few times before I could remember it well enough to get why I was crying. I get it now.
I never mention him to my family. They all rushed home for the funeral, had him buried on church ground, next to dad.
I've studied suicide. I'm more than familiar with all the psychological reasoning. I know all the theories of depression, chemical imbalances, psychotic breaks, & on & on & on. None of it matters. The truth is he quit the game half way through & left the rest of us holding the cards.
I've never been one to hold a grudge. I know better than some the freedom you can find in forgiveness. But sometimes when a grudge is all you have, its just all you have. And there's no resolution to be found if you ask me. You can't argue with the wind.