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WHAT WOULD YOU ATTEMPT TO DO IF YOU KNEW YOU COULD NOT FAIL????

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. What would I do? I think I'd move to Paris. I'd wear floral prints & silk scarves. I would write a novel & learn to sculpt. I'd e-mail the person I miss & who's been on my mind all week. And I would tell him that I miss him. No expectations, just so he'd know he was missed. I'd make a list of things I want to say to people. Then I'd call each one & tell them. My voice wouldn't shake or hesitate, I'd just tell the truth.

That's it you know, the truth, that's what we're all really afraid of. It's definitely what keeps me awake at night. Afraid to speak it, afraid to face it, afraid to live it. What if we were disappointed? Or worse, what if we disappointed others? What if they laughed? What if they thought our pain or our profound truth was funny? What would happen if we leaped, into the unknown, & fell flat on our face?

Truthfully, we'd probably get up & start over. We'd survive, a little battered & maybe a little wiser. But honestly, it most likely wouldn't be the end of the world. And the thought that it could possibly mean the end of all things, is just slightly conceded.

So , why then don't we do the things we want to do? Why are we chained down by fear?

Why am I not in a cafe in Paris writing the next great novel?

It's the leap, not the fall that's really scaring. But the fool must leap. Or except a half hearted life.

"The Stones Tell The Story"...I think that will be the title of my first novel.

NOV 19

Cactus! That's what I dream about this time of the year. -33 degrees Celsius, 2 feet of snow during the night & I dream of cactus. Not Christmas trees or mistletoe, succulents.
Christmas is a great time of the year. I love the decorations, the gift wrapping, hunting all day for that perfect something. I really do love it. At least I used. I'm trying to get the old feelings back, I'm trying hard. But too often now I get preoccupied. Now, the end of the year is a struggle for me. I get overcome with memories & emotions that I successfully keep in check the rest of the year. My dreams become chaotic, when I sleep at all. I find the ends of my mouth heavy & I look at my feet a lot. This is the time of the year when I lost the thing I didn't really know I had. My friend. My only true ally.
My father was not in any way a perfect specimen on which to judge mankind. He was eternally flawed, no one would argue. He complained too much & drank too often. He also invented porcupine kisses & read encyclopedias as if they were novels.
Its been 5 years now without him. And I can still smell him. A mixture of his cologne & apple chewing tobacco. Not exactly Chanel, but when it hits me I am suddenly comforted, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. Odd, I know.

Christmas was never his season, he was a Spring man. That was when he could stop wearing so many layers, when the walk to get to his weekly card game was not a frozen trek & all of the plans he'd been devising all winter for his prized vegetable garden could start to come to fruition. Spring was his season.
Summer had its perks but Spring was were it all began. I've always been an Autumn girl. Opposites even in seasons.
Oddly, the thing I miss most are the arguments. I don't fight with anyone the way I fought with him. There was an abandon there that I've found with no one else. I was never afraid of offending or going too far. I trusted that he would never get angry, the argument would never turn personal & when it was over, it was as good as forgotten. No grudges were held or stern silences kept. And they always ended the same way, with a cup of tea.
Sometimes I pretend that it never happened. That I miss him only because he is at home & I am not. I pretend that it is geography that separates us. My fantasy never lasts very long, I always remember. Even so I cherish my brief delusional moments.
The thing that invades my dreams. The thing that makes it impossible for me to sleep at all. Is the not knowing. Other people can tell me. I've read the books. I can tell myself. But I will never really know if he knew how much I loved him. I will never really know if he knew how grateful I was to him. Because being the self absorbed person that I can tend to be, I never said 'thank you'.

Making peace with a ghost is no easy task. And I know I may never find the stillness I seek. But in searching for it I do seem to have found a slightly better understanding of a man I thought I knew. And a deeper appreciation for the people still near me. Anniversaries come every year whether I want them to or not. They never seem to get easier. I don't know that they ever will. But I got through this one without crawling into a fetal position & ugly crying. That's progress. It's not peace. But its something.



Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there.
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there.
I did not die.


-Mary E. Frye

Picture of the Week

Ships Ahoy?

I've been thinking lately about ships. For those of you who know me you know I've always had a love-hate relationship with the high seas. Love the lifestyle, hate the passengers (most of them anyway). But I've been landlocked now for 7 months & I have to admit, though a year ago I didn't think it possible, I really miss it.

I didn't leave ships because I hated it. I left because I had a lot of personal burdens, things I needed to face, things I needed time to deal with. And as you know personal time is the one thing you don't have on a ship. I was so unhappy my last year on ships. But it really wasn't the job or the lifestyle that was making me miserable (though I may have blamed them at the time), it was the mess I had spinning around in my head. But now that I've made a little peace, with myself, the thought of going back just doesn't seem that crazy. It almost seems right. I'm not saying I will go back, I'm just saying I'm weighing my options. And its nice to have options. So if I do decide to go back don't think I've gone insane or that I must be desperate to get away. If I do go back it'll be because I want to.

For right now though, I've resigned myself to surviving a Canadian winter (-38 degrees Celsius..you've got to be kidding me). Why does anyone live here? I know its very pretty but pretty doesn't keep the icicles off my ass.

Icicles aside, Christmas is fast approaching. And I'm looking forward to celebrating here at home. With snowmen & ginger bread. With family & friends( even if they are not as close as I'd like them to be, it bets being countries apart).

The decision as to what I'll do when I leave Banff, if I leave Banff, can wait for now. Right now all I want to do is learn to snowboard, go ice skating & sing some carols (in the shower of course, I'm not that cruel).

Ladies Man

Was this look ever hot? Really??? You're shitting me. Because I'm torn. Part of me is thoroughly amused, in that, I must look away but it's so damn funny, kinda way & another part of me feels like my skin is going to crawl off my skeleton & hide, somewhere far away from this.

What if I told you this picture is like a week old & this guy thinks he's the shit?

Excuse me I have to go find my skin.

Glory Days

You know sometimes I think about getting older & I get a little blue. It actually makes me sad to think that I will never be a teenager again. That those wonder days are lost to me forever. And then I see a photo like this & I think "Thank Fucking God I am not a teenager any more!" 30! Bring it! Because teenagers are idiots! And you just know that somewhere there's a father saying, "Now dear, calm down, I know their a little late but its not like their passed out on the side of the road somewhere covered in their own piss & vomit. I'm sure everything is fine."

Site of the Week

www.postsecret.com Awesome idea, I wish I had thought of it. Some of these post cards are funny, others are heartbreaking. But they are all so truthful.
If art is suppose to reveal the human condition, then this site is the Louvre.

What a Woman Wants

We want to laugh more & love often. We want to save money & go shopping. We want to say what we mean & not offend. We want to be honest & stay mysterious. We want to be good but occasionally be naughty.
We want to live a peaceful life and learn to fight with a sword.

We want to be independent & sometimes let you save us. We want to be Gloria Steinem & Honey Ryder.
We want you to understand us but never be predictable. We want to believe in fairy tales while living in the real world.

We don't want much, just everything.

Robert Frost

FIRE AND ICE

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favour fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

MAN OF THE YEAR

Muhammad Yunus:
He doesn't have the profile of Bob Geldof or Bono, but this year's winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, has an interesting idea & its working.

He is the man of the hour. Honored for his groundbreaking micro-economic strategy. Which he has implemented in his home country of Bangladesh.

Yunus has started a revoutionary new kind of banking that has loaned millions of dollars to the worlds poorest people with no collateral. (Noteworthy: 97% of his banks customers are women) He is confident that he will reduce the poverty rate in Bangladesh by 50% by 2012. He says his strategy is simple & can be implemented anywhere to do away with poverty. He started by simply lending $27 to 42 people, split amongst them, (about .65cents each).

Imagine, from $27 to reducing the poverty of one of the worlds poorest countries by 50%.

Why aren't more NGOs & governments looking into this? Seems to me, & the Nobel Committee, he might just be on to something.

Fluffy Kitty Oswald

I know he looks cute. But that's precisely why the disguise is so genius. Who would ever suspect?

HMMM......

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
-Umberto Eco

Picture of the Week

10 Random Thoughts

1. Good music can save your soul

2. A good laugh can save your life

3. Friends are family that we choose, so choose carefully

4. Breathing is the best way to live longer - don't believe me, try not breathing, see how it goes

5. Your smile says more about you then your clothes, your car & your job combined

6. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all

7. Listen to other's opinions, but make up your own mind

8. Take a nap...dream a little

9. Monkey's are funny

10. Life's short, eat dessert first

And The Award Goes To...

I'm very proud to report that Canada had the distinguished honor of receiving the 'Fossil of the day' award at the UN's International Conference on Climate Change in Kenya this week. The title is awarded by the Climate Action Network to the country that is deemed to have contributed the least to progress during the talks. Wow! what an accomplishment. When the floods come, we'll know who to thank.

So basically, as our supreme leader, Mr. Harper, pulls our country slowly but decisively away from the Kyoto Protocol, he also has no working alternative. If he did we would have had something to contribute.

Our planet is slowly burning up & no one seems to give a damn, least of all Mr. Harper. The last report from the UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Control (IPCC) is a very depressing read, I don't recommend it. Summed up, the world is getting warmer. Which when your a Canadian staring down the barrel end of yet another cold & miserable winter, doesn't really sound so bad, actually, its pretty enticing. and if that's all there was to it, I'd be out there with G.W giving the finger to the tree hugging hippies. Because its only November & I'm freezing my arse off already. But that is not all there is to it.
Global surface temperatures have risen 0.6 degrees Celsius. Snow cover has decreased 10%. The lakes & rivers in the North are frozen 2 weeks less a year. Non-polar mountain glaciers are in noticeable retreat. The global sea level has risen between 0.1 - 0.2 meters.

These changes cause floods, intense weather patterns, storms, droughts, & heat waves. With developing countries being the most vulnerable. Great, like they don't have enough on their plate. It's almost comical, that the countries who produce the least greenhouse gases are the very ones going to suffer the most because of them.

The World Wildlife Fund predicts that polar bears may be pushed to extinction by 2100, due to the ice melt. Caribou, Musk Ox & reindeer may find themselves pushing for space as well, as there habitat become smaller. Native American communities will also start to find there lands & way of life forever changed as the land & the animals change.

Industrial countries have been pumping out heat trapped greenhouse gases in an ever increasing amount since the 19th century. Isn't it time we stood up & took responsibility for it. Before its too late & we all fry, if we don't drown first, or get swallowed by a tsunami, or die of thirst.

Of Course God has a Sense of Humour...Have you Seen the Platypus?

I've got another one >ahref>http://www.wondercafe.ca/ Its a new site started by the United Church. They're hoping to lure new followers, apparently their numbers have been dwindling. They have a whole new 3 year ad campaign as well, which by the way includes a squirrel. That's really all I have to say about it, they have a squirrel.
I love these people. I'm not a member of the church, I'm not even religious in that weekly sort of way. But I watched the EZ Squirrel video & saw these campaigns & laughed so hard it hurt. Actually, I think I peed a little, just between you & me. A bobble head Christ!!! I don't care who you are, that's funny! And I want one. More than just funny, they've got people talking. 2 days ago I could say with relative certainty that I had had about...Oh, I don't know, ZERO conversations about the United Church in my life time. I've had 2, just today.
How much fun does sex have to be before its a sin? That's genius. I want to shake the hand of the person who came up with this campaign. I hope they got paid well. I mean a church actually using laughter instead of fear to convert the masses is revolutionary (I cannot believe I just used that word to describe a church). But it flies in the face of all things pious. I mean aren't we suppose to be solemn & timid. Walk around with our heads bowed looking at our footwear. And God forbid if we should ever dare to ask a question (logic has nothing to do with religion). Because this campaign is not only funny, its debatable. They are actually encouraging people to talk about the issues.

You have no idea how many days I spend in the corner of my Roman Catholic classroom because I asked an "inappropriate" question. Until I finally realized, about half way through the school year, that all questions were "inappropriate" to Sister Madeline. And to be a "good" catholic meant to sit quietly & on occasion, nod & smile. Needless to say Sister Mad & I did not get along so well & the corner is not really such a bad place when you consider the mindless alternative.

It's also very smart from a marketing stand point. I think we all had it figured out by the time we were 7 that if we made mom laugh before we asked for the thing we knew she didn't want to give us we had a better chance of getting it.

People are just more open to change & to new ideas when their happy. It's not rocket science.

I know that no everyone is going to find these ads funny. The Bible thumpers will be out in full force, throwing around words like blasphemy & heretical, because heaven forbid anyone should (intentionally) laugh at religion.

I don't care want anyone thinks, I love it, the whole concept. I mean really, when a Jehovah's Witnesses knocks on your door at some God forsaken time in the morning you pretend your not home, admit it, you hide. But if he started telling a knock knock joke on your front porch, you'd open that door, just to hear the punchline. I know you would. I would.

The CBC...Really?

Awesome show, Strombo beats Peter Mansbridge hands down (hard to believe its the CBC)!!!

Great site!!! He has some pretty cool links on there too, like Rick Mercer & Shaun Majumdar.

He's not exactly hard on the eyes either.

http://www.strombo.com

Excuse me while I get Political

Daniel Ortega, a former Marxist revolutionary, is back in charge in Nicaragua, 16 yrs after being ousted. Is this a good thing? I'm not entirely sure. His reputation is not exactly spotless. He was arrested for bank robbery in the late '60's, he was released in '74 in exchange for hostages. And he's been accused of everything from corruption to sexual abuse.
Though, I must admit none of that really fazes me. When I think of how his re-election just urges the United States it makes me giggle inside. Also, the return of his party, the Sandinista National Liberation Front (FSLN), creates the possibility of real change, especially for Nicaragua's poor.
To hear the United States tell it, they are the pinnacle of all things democratic. But they did all they could to once again tie the hands of voters in Nicaragua. Only this time they lost.
To the US conservatives the Nicaraguans are all going straight to hell, for having committed the greatest sin of all - electing a leader not in favor in the White House.
For those of you that don't remember. The US imposed economic embargo's on Nicaragua in the 1980's. In the 1990's they made it very clear that those embargo's, as well as US funding to terrorist Contra forces, would continue if Ortega was re-elected. Those threats are thought to have played a major role in Ortega & the FSLN being pushed out of office in 1990.
During this years election the US went so far as to suggest that if Ortega were re-elected they would impose a block on all money being sent from Nicaraguan immigrants in the US back home to impoverished family members.
The US Ambassador to Nicaragua openly supported Ortega's opponents, an act that violates diplomatic protocol.
The US Secretary of Commerce suggested that millions in aid given to Nicaragua from the US & hundreds of millions in US investment could be brought into question if voters were to elect the 'wrong' candidate.
Jeb Bush ran ads in Nicaraguan newspapers associating Ortega with international terrorism. These were not new stories, they were full page ads, bought & paid for.
This is not the first time the US government meddled in the affairs of Nicaragua. In '81 Reagan condemned the FSLN. He believed they were consorting with Cuba & the Soviet Union. The CIA began financing, arming & training rebel troops, known as the Contras, to overthrow the FSLN. The result - a civil war that claimed the lives of a estimated 60,000 Nicaraguans & made it impossible for the FSLN to rebuilt a country already in ruins.
I for one am proud of the Nicaraguans for voting their conscience & not allowing themselves to be bullied into voting for pro-US candidates. I don't know if Ortega is the right person to lead Nicaragua & to rebuild the country. But really no one ever knows if their voting for the person who will inspire their nation or cause its downfall. Whether you live in Nicaragua or Canada, elections are a crap shoot. All any of us can do is educate ourselves about the real issues & go with God. When we watch elections, our own or someone elses, we often don't agree with the outcomes (Bush would not have been my 1st choice..or 2nd..or 3rd). But if we believe & value our democratic ideals then we can't simply dismiss them when they become inconvenient. That's the problem with the US. That's why country's hate them. Because they try to instill rules & ideals in other country's that they themselves don't live by. And its infuriating. Its like being lectured about not smoking by someone with Marlboro hanging out the side of their mouth while they walk to the store to buy another carton.

The US often times reminds me of a spoiled child on a playground. Play the game his way or he's taking his ball & going home. And I just love it when a country calls their bluff & lets them know that they can take their ball, they'll play a new game or go get their own damn ball. You would think that the US would learn from their own history & stop meddling in the affairs of foreign & sovereign nations.

It's time the US stop spouting off about the high & mighty ideals of their country & start living by them.

"You do not lead by hitting people over the head - thats assault, not leadership".

Dwight D. Eisenhower

Not Uplifting

Have you ever had one of those mornings when everything that could go wrong does? And your left to wonder, "why did I even bother to get out of bed"?

You over sleep, spill coffee on your jacket, have a fat day, arrive late for work, & then embarrass yourself in front of a cute colleague. All before noon. Welcome to my day!

I hate these mornings because they ruin my whole day. I spend the rest of my time using all my energy trying to climb out of my funk. And in my line of work moody doesn't play. I need to be welcoming & friendly all day, every day. Well, today it just ain't gonna happen. I don't have the strength to fake it.

I know I should make the effort because negative energy just attracts more negative energy (& vise versa). I know that goes against physics, but such is life. The snowball, if not stopped at the beginning can evolve into an avalanche. I know in my mind that if I force myself to smile, eventually I'll really be smiling. Change your mind, change your mood. I know this. I know that if I make the effort to be positive that my day will improve, or at least my perception of my day will improve. But I just don't have the necessary initial investment. The negativity is too strong & I'm too tired to fight it. All I can hope is I don't pass it along to anyone else, because it is highly contagious.

So, I am wishing my life away, as I pray for the end of this miserable day with all its spilled coffee & embarrassing moments.

Days like today really shouldn't be written down for prosperity, they should be forgotten. But as I said, I'm simply not strong enough today. So I'll write it down & wallow in it for a while. Until I can go home, pull the covers over my head & forget any of it ever happened.